Success vs Significance

My father passed away suddently in April of 2021 almost to the day of his 76th birthday. An otherwise healthy man, he was sitting in the back yard reading and journaling as he often did when began to feel unwell. Returning to the house, he sat down in the living room with my mother in a set of recliners that sit next to each other to google his symptoms. When my mother asked if he was feeling dizzy, he said “The diziness just set in”, and then his heart just stopped. He died right there in the chair next to my mother.

My father was a interesting man. Born in Detroit in 1944, he was orphaned as an infant and surrendered to an orphanage. The city of Detroit does not keep birth records prior to 1945, so we do not know where he was born and or even eactly how old he was - the birthdate he was given was an estimate.

He and his sister were both adopted around the age of 3 by a couple in their late 40’s who had decided to move to Florida and start a new life. The children were raised primarily on an orange grove in northern Florida, and later in New Orleans when the orange business failed. As his parents were older when we was adopted, both of them were deceased by the time he finished college. I never met my grandparents.

As I understand it, my father was bullied severely as a child. He was a behaviour problem who was disliked by both his teachers and his classmates. He was that kid.

He was also almost certainly on the spectrum. He would frequently say and do things that could evoke silence and cringe. He never quite knew how to be in a group. As an older man, he often avoided large groups and would sit outside during parties chatting with whomever would venture out to see him.

Ironically, at the same time that he could be difficult in conversations, he had this very unique way of connecting with people. Especially if you were upset. He was deeply empathetic and an incredible listener. He has this way of looking at you when you were talking so that his face would reflect back to you your own pain - as if he was feeling the same thing you were. And he used this to connect with people in the most random places. After he passed, my mother was in the self check-out line at Walmart when the lady working the area asked her how my father was. When my mother told her that he had passed, this lady became so incosolable that she had to be moved off her station. Apparently, he would make it a point to spend time talking with her whenever he shopped. Once while I was visiting my mother after his death, the lady who delivered the mail also inquired on him as she had not seen him in some weeks. She also sobbed on hearing the news.

He was also a deeply spiritual man. Converted to Christianity while in military service during the Vietnam War, his entire worldview was through the lens of the supernatural and an afterlife. You could not have a conversation about any subject without him quoting scripture.

He wrote a lot. He wrote to me as a child and as an adult. He wrote actual physical letters up until his sudden death. One of the letters that he wrote me was given to me when I graduated High School. It was typical form for my father and at the time, I read it, but also probably cringed and wished he wouldn’t do things like that. I was 18 and I was embarrassed of him. Since his passing, my mother has slowly been sending me some of the things she kept from my childhood. One of them, was that letter.

At 46, I find the letter profound. I am posting it here in its entirety with some small parts removed for privacy.

A Communique To My Son On The Occasion Of His Graduation From High School

As you graduate from high school, I want to seize the moment (you know, Carpe Diem - and that doesn’t mean put carpeting everywhere) and pass along some words of encouragement. Now, just bear with me - this is a father thing, something dads are supposed to do. And, remember, one day you too will be responsible for passing along some words of wisdom to your son when he graduates.

Your mother and I could be accused of being prejudiced, and whoever said it would definitely be right, but we can honestly say that we have never known a young man who possessed any more potential than you do. Potential is defined as something that can develop and become actual. And, it comes from the word potent, meaning, having or wielding force, authority or influence. You have been endowed with a handsome appearance, an excellent mind and a great body, and a winsome personality.

I know that this is a corn-ball analogy, but we think of you as a sleek rocket just rising up from the launch pad at Cape Canaveral, Florida. Jeannette and I are in the viewing stands watching proudly at lift-off. We can’t keep from tapping people around us on the shoulder and saying, “that’s our boy.” A lot has gone into getting to this point and now, all systems are GO!

But where as rockets must follow the signals that come out from mission control in Hourston, you are free to follow whatever signals you choose. You are free to chart your course from here and to tailor make your mission. Rockets don’t get to make choices, you do!

The one thought I want to pass along in this letter has to do with the difference between success in life and significance. Men, whether they realize it or not, tend to strive for one or the other.

You will probably hear the word success used several times in graduation speeches in the next few weeks. You will be challenged to find your own success, define your own success and grasp success. While success is great, as your pop I want to cheer you on to something greater than success…and that is significance!

Significance is defined as, having meaning or purpose in life. Success is defined as the attainment of wealth, favor or eminence. It is possible to have success and not have meaning in life. On the other hand, people who are significant are almost always considered successful.

While success may feel good for a while, it tends to focus inward; it is self-centered. Significance will not only make sure that you are taken care of, but it results in others around you being taken care of. Success might be compared to looking in the mirror trying to see happiness, and significance is like looking out a window onto the world and its people, and finding happiness.

If you live for significance, you will likely leave a legacy and a heritage to others and they will call you blessed. Significance results in a person making a difference in the lives of others.

How does a man go for significance? Although there is a lot more to it, I believe that there are at least four ways to go about it. First, insist on the truth - don’t go with information just because it sounds and feels good. Next, don’t take the easy way out - when faced with a choice, to the hard thing. Keep on learning all the way to the end. And, finally, never forget how much the Creator of the Universe loves you and gave for you!

Wow, you have made it to the end. Just think, probably none of your graduating friends had to go through something like this. You are a martyr!

We really are proud, and we know that we are going to continue to be in the days ahead! We do love you.